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12 December 2008 @ 12:27 am
here we go again...

Current Mood: calmcalm
Current Music: kelly clarkson
14 November 2008 @ 03:23 am
okay, that post was very pessimistic*, so just to make up for it, i'm going to post a positive one...

two at Harrods, and one at Selfridges!
i totally accepted the Selfridges one, and bummed out (graciously rejected) the other two, but, yay!

i'm so hyped, i have a week of training and i start on Tuesday the 18th. mega, mega excited!

onwards and upwards!
but still, i do wish a certain someone could be here to share it with me, ah well!

*i was reading the classical traits of a Saggitarian and Capricorn-ain(?) earlier, and apparently Saggitarians and the most positive of the signs, and yet Capricorn-ians are not very at all. hmmm, this is what you get from being born on the cusp of two VERY different signs, with two very different elements. can anyone say multiple personality disorder? it's a surprise i've not yet got out my machine gun and shot everyone in the frozen food isle, like those psychopaths do in stories you hear about. but then again, i could be generalising.
Current Mood: awakeawake
Current Music: alicia keys
14 November 2008 @ 02:45 am
i think i just had an epiphany of sorts.
whilst on myspace talking to an ex boyfriend of mine, i was waiting for his reply for a good 45 minutes, and as i was mega bored, it was really giving me a strong distraction, so needless to say i was hoping for a reply pretty quickly.

alas, as i said, it came a good while later, and when i actually got it, it was rubbish.
this most deff describes a great deal of my life:
thinking highly of someone else, or having high expectations of a situation, and then just being let down. great euphemism with the myspace methinks.
Current Mood: lethargiclethargic
Current Music: n/a
08 November 2008 @ 06:47 am
okay, here comes a slight rant.

we were watching 'Knocked Up' earlier, as you do, and the lady, i cannot even remember her name, freaked out, because Ben (the father of her unborn child) was smoking weed in the early hours of the morning, when there happened to be an earthquake. she said that she can't even trust him to look after her, let alone their child. so as you DON'T, Sally said "you can look after a baby and be high".

sorry, excuse me, say whaaaaaaa?!
am i completely friggin' alone on this, because nobody else seemed the littlest bit offended.
honestly, i hope she was joking, deep, deep down, because otherwise that is a disgusting thing to say. maybe i just value things more than others, or maybe some people really do not deserve to have children. the gift of life, and you go and chuck it down the drain by smoking DRUGS in front of them?!
i think not my friends. grr, just one of the things to have annoyed me tonight/recently.
i must be due on man, because my PMS is going through the roof. and joy, i get to see my ex girlfriend tomorrow. what has one done to deserve this.

i wish i could hibernate for winter, mmmm, all nice and cosy.
Current Mood: aggravatedaggravated
Current Music: blood rushing to my head
03 November 2008 @ 12:47 am
i cannot believe how long it has been since i last updated!!!
so much has happened it's unreal!;
i've moved back to bromley, i quit my job at madame tussauds, the bathroom has almost been finished, as has the attic! everything is going to look so pretty!
onwards and upwards hey.
noooooooow all i need to do is find another job, taken some chillax time, and deff feel like it's time to get going again.

...until next time!
Current Mood: curiouscurious
Current Music: keyshia cole
15 October 2008 @ 11:07 pm
i honestly cannot fucking win, for real.

edit: will update on recent events later on tonight or tomorrow morning, there has been a few (to say the least) major changes.
Current Mood: stressedstressed
Current Music: n/a, jamie fucking oliver
08 October 2008 @ 12:06 am

"these people are doing their best... they throw each ball down the best they can and watch it hoping, almost desperate...age doesn't matter, we all do our best, we put ourself out there, we hope for something great but we don't expect it, we know our faults, we know were no good, but we have a go and hope maybe the result will be something better than we are, something we don't deserve, something that others achieve but we never could, but we still watch in hope...maybe this time..."

just wow?
Current Mood: numbnumb
Current Music: cat power
07 October 2008 @ 09:14 pm
edit: 4th october entry

have since spoken to her, all for the best.
07 October 2008 @ 09:13 pm
did i mention that i saw a lady stop on the ramp leading down from Greenwich station, just to pick up a snail and move it off to the side, just so that nobody stepped on it?

well she did.
hope does exist hey.
Current Mood: groggygroggy
04 October 2008 @ 12:27 am
all in all, the past two nights have been pretty sweet. AND i've not spoken to you know who. maybe, just maybe, it can be done. never say never hey.

note to self; when money is transferred buy some winter clothes. and face wipes.
Current Mood: accomplishedaccomplished
Current Music: n/a
02 October 2008 @ 09:10 pm
just because you fucked up, it doesn't make you a fuck-up.

...but wow;
on the subject of Sally and I discussing me finding another job, (just to get out of Tussauds because i can't physically/emotionally handle it anymore) not even one i might like, or want, just one to get by until i find what i REALLY need, how coincidental is this?

Sagittarius (22 Nov - 21 Dec)
You may have recently experienced a meltdown of sorts and were forced to let go of emotional control. Now, as the Moon returns to your sign, you are feeling a rebirth of your desires, along with the drive to get what you need. Don't waste energy trying to hide your vulnerability now; letting others see past your protective walls can catalyze the very change you seek.

Capricorn (22 Dec - 19 Jan)
If you have been thinking about your long-term plans and considering how to move your life in a new direction, it's now time to let go of your dreams. But this isn't about giving up; it's about detaching from your preferences in order to make room for the necessary growth. You'll be surprised at how fast things shift once you relinquish control.

just wow hey.
Current Mood: tiredtired
Current Music: n/a, miami ink
02 October 2008 @ 01:29 am
"i'm afraid that i'm destructive. that if i have something good i'm compelled to destroy it."

autosaved draft at 1:29:50 AM
02 October 2008 @ 12:31 am
'From: geminem

Is Online

Date: 02 Oct 2008, 00:30
Subject: boo yeah
Body: new start
i think things are looking up!


to the above: pretty damn much. looking for a new job, going to apply for two or three tomorrow. friday is going to be a fun filled day with Sally of rolling around London handing out CV's. we're on good terms again now, thank you baby jesus! also looking for a new place to live, still debatable but getting there. friendship with Fam firmly established now, pretty sure fingers crossed. mwahahaha! posi posi posi!
Current Mood: calmcalm
Current Music: n/a, the l word
01 October 2008 @ 12:22 pm
i hope i'm not going to hell. agggghhhhhhh!
Current Mood: bouncybouncy
Current Music: awesome yet unknown song
01 October 2008 @ 11:59 am
i so need to look for a new job. bad times.
Current Mood: worriedworried
Current Music: neyo
29 September 2008 @ 08:19 pm
update: this is a drawing of the simple (yet very meaningful) tattoo i'm getting done asap, not 100% where yet, back of my neck of behind mein ear?
decisions, decisions!

Current Mood: amusedamused
Current Music: n/a, will and grace
29 September 2008 @ 07:53 pm
ARGHHHHHHH, i swear to friggin' baby jesus, next time i see Sam, there is going to be BIG trouble!
he's totally spoiled my weekend/monday, ALTHOUGH, i suppose i did contribute towards that somewhat, regardless of whether i thought it would boil down to this.

i'm waiting as we speak, waiting for tomorrow, waiting for Thomas to come home, and waiting FOR SOMEONE.

and to top it all off, a charming lady contributed towards my wrist being sprained today. good times, good times. thank the Lord nobody has said anything about my lateness the other day. thank you baby jesus!
Current Mood: annoyedannoyed
Current Music: n/a, australia's next top model
29 September 2008 @ 01:15 am

is it ever too EARLY to change everything? i'm still so young and yet i feel so dissatisfied with where my life is heading so far. to stay in Greenwich; somewhere i'm obviously not comfortable, to move back to Bromley; where i DO feel more than comfortable, but it would mean sacrificing a job i love, or do the (apparent) unthinkable, and find somewhere nearer to central, by myself? this way i'd gain my independence back, but look how that ended up last time. i don't want to let anyone down, but is that even possible anymore? either way, someones going to come up short, i'm just not sure if i want it to be me, yet am i strong enough to inflict it on someone else that i know and love?

i hope i don't fuck things up again.

on a lighter note, the wheel has now gone!!! shock, horror! wish i could have gone on it, but no biggie hey! just look how gorgeous it was!:

absolutely b-e-a-u-tiful!

myself and Fam walked allllllllllll the way there from Greenwich earlier, to see all the lights, and fair do's the wheel wasn't lit any longer, but it was still lovely! work bright and early tomorrow, so night all!
Current Mood: apatheticapathetic
Current Music: n/a
28 September 2008 @ 02:28 am
"love has no boundaries, unless you make them"

HAAAAAAAHAHA, i just found something totally funny. or maybe i'm being bitchy? karma really doesn't seem to like me recently, as i was speaking the other day i caught my nail (i can't even remember what on...air?!?!?), it ripped and started to bleed, fun times!
so for the moment i'm going to hush for fear of getting bombed.

new tattoo sometime this week/next week, i actually can't wait;

(sorry to interrupt this, but as i was trying to send a picture of my tattoo to the computer, i've recently discovered by phone is dying. even more so than it was before. as in it won't even let me transfer files via bluetooth, liberty!)

anywho where was i; I'M TOTALLY EXCITEEEEEED! hahaha, it's like wrapping paper, don't ask me why, it just is. anyway this tattoo is getting whacked on the back of my neck, it's a Polynesian tattoo called Koa'e Ula, which is a tropical seabird in Hawaii(?). it's used for travel, and travel protection. the interesting thing about this bird is that it flies around the world and whatnot, and yet always comes home to nest, not unlike me. i saw it on Miami Ink being tattooed the traditional way, and as i don't see myself flying to Hawaii anytime soon, this is the closest possible thing, and as i'm sure you've guessed, I CANNOT FRIGGIN' WAIT.!!QKJEBAS.khsadfvbs.

Current Mood: exhaustedexhausted
Current Music: nelly fertado
26 September 2008 @ 02:45 pm
...upon reflection, that last post was so gay, but what can you do, hahaha
26 September 2008 @ 02:39 pm
ignore last post, why is it almost everything i write on here *NOTE ALMOST is me complaining?! gotta sort that one out methinks. i have a very privileged life, and i really am thankful. SHITE, that actually just reminded me i'm going to church today, i have no idea what time or how i'm going to get there, but watch me, i'm going!

i feel so elevated today, like sex on fire! it's such a lovely day, the sun is shining, it's relatively chilly, the incense has been burnt, the door is open, and i'm fed and watered! ahh, life is great, and i'm not even bothered i'm having to go in tomorrow because i swapped with Chantel!

such an awesome day at work yesterday, really and truly! "love you."
Current Mood: cheerfulcheerful
Current Music: fob, kings of leon, good charlotte hahaha
24 September 2008 @ 11:41 pm
what a disaster. everything. in general. i really cba to go into it right now, but i know what's going on inside my head, so s'all groovy baby!
on the plus side, my hair look really good today, really not 100% about going back to blonde? i've had tons of compliments (well i say tons, more like a few) recently about the red, probably worth sticking with, why ruin a good thing? ;)

ANYWAYS, thought of the day;
"the hardest part of kicking a habit is wanting to kick it, after all we must have got addicted for a reason, right?"

i have no idea. that is all, au revior mi amigo(s?)!

(funnily enough i didn't write an awful lot here, and yet getting it down on paper, cough- screen, has genuinly helped, who knew!)
Current Music: n/a, CSI
23 September 2008 @ 01:48 pm
"round round, get around, i get arouuuuuund (it's alright)
downtown boogie down, i get arouuuuund (it's alright)
round round, get around, i get arouuuuund (it's alright)
downtown boogie down, i get arouuuuuund (it's alright)

everywhere that i go, people know me by the way i flow
i keep it moving in the right direction
and everyday you know that's how i'm living
it's alrightttttttttt


feel good tunes hey!

i just found the old card i had pinned to my noticeboard that Leota gave me a few years back now (gee, how fast time goes, hey?) and reading what she's written really does give me a sense of peace. the card reads:

"you don't have to be perfect to belong in this place, you don't have to have all the answers or always know the right thing to say. you can climb the highest mountain if you want. or quitely imagine that you might someday. you can take chances or take safety nets, make miracles or make mistakes. you don't have to be composed at all hours to be strong here, you don't have to be bold or certain to be brave. you don't have to have all the answers here or even know who you want to be... just take my hand and rest your heart and stay awhile with me."
'dearest darling Gemma, i will love you forever & always - please do not destroy what is beautiful that which is you. cultivate your beauty to its maximim. life is hard - cultivating your true beauty is the hardest but certainly when you are older it will feel THE BEST! xxx divine love & peace blessings always LEOTA mommies xxx'

how true she was. although i'm pretty damn certain i'm nowhere near the point she was speaking of, a few years down the line, i feel better than ever and more content with myself/my life than ever before. i should really give her a ring and say thank you... coulda shoulda woulda hey.
Current Mood: groggygroggy
Current Music: we are scientists
23 September 2008 @ 12:54 pm
i'm trying to forgive, i hope it doesn't all go fucking belly-up.
Current Mood: worriedworried
Current Music: p!nk
23 September 2008 @ 03:02 am
i wish i could pronounce 'statisically'. i couldn't even type it without slowly enunciating it in my head. let's whack out the james morrison!
Current Mood: boredbored
Current Music: james morrison
23 September 2008 @ 02:45 am
“as we drive along this road called life, occasionally a girl will find herself a little lost. and when that happens, i guess she has to let go of the coulda, shoulda, woulda, buckle up and just keep going.”

see, i knew there was a reason sex and the city was so popular. not ONLY is it entertaining, lifelike and downright dirty, but every episode has a moral. like life i suppose. i spoke to a friend at work, Dave, today, and we had a good ol' nitter natter about, yep you guessed it- life. well my life in particular. he quite possibly gave me one of the biggest compliments to date;
"your life is so interesting, YOU'RE interesting, very intriguing, not boring at all." how very nice to know, no sarcasm intended. thinking back though, i suppose it has been a journey of sorts, good and bad no doubt, but a journey nonetheless. and i can honestly say i've come through everything with more determination and strength than i've ever felt in my life. repeated tragedy and constant upheaval have changed my life, dare i say it, for the better? i have life skills some people learn in their late thirty's. as Lenny Kravitz would say: "i'm old enough to see behind me, young enough to feel my soul." so bring on tomorrow and let the good times roll!
Current Mood: sleepysleepy
Current Music: aretha franklin
23 September 2008 @ 12:47 am
"you've got me, you know that right? you have me emotionally"

that could possibly be THEE friggin' cutest/gayest thing i've heard in ages.
can't quite make up my mind which, but we'll get there eventually!
tomorrow's starsign (well today's if we're being exact) is looking pretty promising, aherm;

Tuesday, 23 September, 2008
Sagittarius (22 Nov - 21 Dec)
Your long-term goals are more important to you than ever, but they really don't have to be very realistic. This isn't about making a plan and accomplishing everything on your list. It's about creative dreaming, for that's what motivates you to step beyond the ordinary and into the world of greater potential.

also, i saw this written somewhere earlier, and it really hit something in me. it could have been my heart, or my g-spot, who knows these days.

"once, a long, long time ago, all people had four legs and two heads. and then the Gods threw down thunderbolts and split everyone into two. each half then had two legs and one head. but the separation left both sides with a desperate yearning to be reunited. because they each shared the same soul. and ever since then, all people spend their lives searching for the other half of their soul."

i read this out to Fam, and she asked me if i was searching for my other half, and i replied saying 'yeah, i guess so, isn't everyone?'
and she said
'or have you already found them?'
long train of thought then ensued. maybe i have, maybe i haven't. i'm pretty sure i've thought i had before, and it turned out to be a pile of shite, so we'll wait this one out.
Current Mood: lovedloved
Current Music: n/a youporn?
20 September 2008 @ 09:16 pm
think posi, think posi, think posi.
Current Mood: optimisticoptimistic
Current Music: n/a, miami ink
20 September 2008 @ 03:34 am
even for fear of updating twice in 40 minutes, i thought i should let you know what's been gwaanin' in my life regarding the past few days! so here we have a few snippets of bulletins!

From: g.h.williams!
Date: 19 Sep 2008, 02:12
Subject: i actually had
Body: an amazing day, the whole of it!
even despite falling asleep on the night bus, and getting off TWO TOWNS EARLY.
in other words, i walked from depford to greenwich, bad times.
it truly was the ghetto, ross kemp would have been proud.

From: g.h.williams!
Date: 19 Sep 2008, 12:10
Subject: fucking hell.
Body: i'm 2 hours late for work, i slept through my alarm!
they rang, and i was like
"ERHHM, HELLO NICOLA (i know you hate me secretly) BUT I'M STILL IN BED. SOZ."
it's happened loads this month already, not with me obviously, but other people;
i blame the weather.

From: g.h.williams!
Date: 20 Sep 2008, 03:32
Subject: i need sugar
Body: and lot of it, for for the next two and a half hours
and then shitloads of redbull for the next 13.
the stuff i do hey.
Current Mood: tiredtired
Current Music: nelly ft. jt/gorillaz
20 September 2008 @ 02:37 am
i've TOTALLY decided that life is one big CONTRA-FUCKING-DICTION.
examples (and these are just ones off of the top of my head);

numbero uno) frowning uses more muscles than smiling, thus giving you MORE exercise, and yet, we're told to smile, not frown because it's been proven makes us happier: MAKE YOUR FRIGGIN' MINDS UP OKAY.

no. 2) < - - okay forget about this.

as i was writing this, i found an interesting quote, which i'd rather squish in here than continue and anger myself, because we all know that venting our anger just, funnily enough, make us angrier. anywho, onwards and upwards;

"Folding and unfolding our expectations. None of us come to a conclusion without arriving at a contradiction. We better like our strengths because we're going to pay for them."

this brings me to an important part of this entry (rant?)
yes with the crudeness slap bang in the middle, i might add, just for effect.

strangely enough, talking about this brings me to another contradiction, even though we're on the subject of that magic word: expectation. we've been told (once again) that; 'we should make the most out of life, you don't ask you don't get, stand up for what you believe in even if you're standing alone'. fair enough, right, we could try and live our lives by these, sometimes unobtainable (for lack of a better word), quotes. which isn't undo-able, just extremely hard.
on the other hand, we've got the; 'people expect too much out of life, take it one day at a time: have no expectations, life's too short for expectations'. so which one, really, is the way forward?

this i leave up to personal opinion, because i think if we try to delve any deeper into the mysteries of life (which if we're being honest will probably crop up again later on in this journal) we will only end up at another contradiction

...but then again i could be wrong.
Current Mood: determineddetermined
Current Music: mark ronson
19 September 2008 @ 11:31 pm
stephanie swift lesbian scene whilst being on the phone.

allllllll i'm saying right now.
fuck me.
Current Mood: hornyhorny
Current Music: groaning
19 September 2008 @ 10:11 pm
so letting go isn't as easy as it looks.

lots and lots of decisions to be made, not only today, but recently in general. when does something, an addiction if you like, stop helping and start hurting? an addiction to your job, a place, friends, a lover?
i've finally come to a decision about bromley...and i can't wait to go back! one down, bring on the next one; whether or not to hand my notice in.

correction: whether or not i'll have the CHOICE to hand my notice in.

we'll come to the others at another point.

but just so you know, the answers yes;
yes, yesyesyesyes and yes again!

how odd, you just called as i was writing about you...
Current Mood: anxiousanxious
Current Music: n/a, CSI
18 September 2008 @ 02:04 pm
okay, so get this right, apparently i'm moving back to bromley.
through no choice of my own might i add.
i'm not 100% sure what my feelings are on this; relief...or pessimism.

i think it's the former, and yet i'm just too overwhelmed to admit it.
breath out.
Current Mood: relievedrelieved
Current Music: the script/britney spears
17 September 2008 @ 12:22 am
is a half-assed friendship better than no friendship at all? what if you're totally connected to this person. you click. end of. then what?

i told Fam that i didn't fancy her anymore last night. she asked me as a joke, and i actually said yes. possibly a moment of madness, but now as she genuinely thinks i don't like her as anything other than a friend, she won't feel awkward around me, and i can start to get over her? there really shouldn't be a question mark at the end of that sentence, it really has to happen, i have to get over her. 'cause honestly if things had carried on the way they were, i would have fallen for her. as in, fallen in love with her. not cool, not cool at all.

selfless or stupid?
at the end of the day, is there really any difference?
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Current Music: n/a, scrubs
16 September 2008 @ 08:40 pm
this "doing positive" thing is harder than it seems apparently.
Current Mood: optimisticoptimistic
Current Music: n/a, ross kemp on gangs
15 September 2008 @ 09:35 pm
okay, the whole
'i'll update when i'm not pissed off my knackers'
thing didn't go exactly to plan, especially considering since when i've done nothing but sleep, work and drink some more!

now is deff not the time for a 93 page entry of the last few days, i'm actually exhausted!

"so i think the best thing for me now is to do positive"
this homie has the right idea hey.
Current Mood: fullfull
Current Music: n/a, ross kemp on gangs
11 September 2008 @ 02:54 am
if i drink any more milky substances, i am likely to be sick.
although, i think the branflakes were worth it.

up at 7 for work, funtimes!
will update properly when i'm not intoxicated lulzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Current Mood: drunkdrunk
Current Music: the sound of my stomach churning
10 September 2008 @ 02:08 am
"that small measure of peace, that we all seek, but few of us ever find."

the last samuri, what a friggin' inspiring film!
Current Mood: peacefulpeaceful
Current Music: colors of day
09 September 2008 @ 03:25 pm
whilst browsing postsecret postcards on photobucket (yes, i know, it's one of those days) i stumbled across this one:

i'm worried this might be me a few months down the line.
NOTE TO SELF: it might be possible to change to world one person at a time, but don't end up hating yourself for it.

i hope one day i can re-read this and think
"i'm so glad things worked out!"
Current Mood: happyhappy
Current Music: gavin degraw
09 September 2008 @ 03:15 am
we all have to be selfish once in a while, right? but how much selfishness are we entitled to? when do we reach the point of no return? karma. how does it define a bad deed? to what extend must we exceed for karma to strike?

i've sinned, but i don't regret a thing.
selfish...or human?
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Current Music: n/a, entourage